I'm a child psychologist and parent educator. My ChildSightTools® courses help parents see through kids eyes. Sign up for my weekly Newsletter!
The 10-Second Fix
WHAT HELPS
The Ten-Second Hug
Hello, again!
Ever had a sticky phone glitch and tried every solution? Then just restarted your phone and everything worked? Sometimes simple steps work best.
Same with helping kids. Complex strategies can fall flat, while simple steps may turn the tide. When your parent heart is lost and longing for direction, the simple things may be your rescue. Like this:
Just like it sounds: a parent-child hug that lasts ten seconds.
Numerous parents have told me a hug worked better than my homework. So be it! (Heh heh, humility and I are good friends!). YOU and your kids are my teachers.
[Wait, I hear many of you: “My kid doesn’t want to be hugged.” That’s next week’s topic. Hang in with me for now.]
How to do a 10-second hug.
- Suggest a hug at a time that feels right.
- Ask how many seconds they’d like it to last – 3, 5, 10?
- If they want to stop sooner or hug longer, both are fine.
- Ask if they want to hug holding still or rocking back and forth.
- And if they want rocking, then fast or slow?
Here are three reasons why I believe hugs help.
Hugs melt defenses.
Uh, what’s a defense? Anything we do to avoid anxiety.
Like blame someone else. Claim you didn’t do it. Tell a half-truth ... or less. 😏 Kids don’t want to feel wrong, bad or embarrassed.
Hugs melt defensive shields like butter. It’s instant reassurance.
Messages of touch can go deeper than words.
With each count, even if only 3 seconds, love sinks in deeper. Try it yourself with an adult you love – it’s astonishing.
Hugs calm the nervous system.
Emotions are whole-body experiences. In young kids, body sensations are intense! The nervous system easily gets overwhelmed.
A hug is like a physiological reset.
Hugging is a way to use your own body to calm your child’s. A fancy name for this is co-regulation.
Co = together
Regulation = returning to calm baseline
Hugs reassure kids they're still loved.
Every year, kids keep teaching me – it's all about love.
Wanting to be loved, staying loved, being afraid of not being loved.
{Right. So you tell her all day long how much you love her – but she doesn’t believe it. Why??
It’s complicated. But for now ...}
Hugs give a non-talking love message that's so true it can’t be denied.
The connection between you and your child is called Attachment. It’s at the heart of all my therapies because no problem improves without it.
Connect to Calm boosts attachment. It's Part 3 of Cool the Tantrums, an online parenting course you can do on your own – or together with me.
If you’ve been struggling and feel ready to learn more, click here.
See you next time!
And remember ... Looking through your child's eyes changes everything.
Cheers!
Dr. Beth
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Hi, I'm Dr. Beth Onufrak!
I'm a child psychologist and parent educator. My ChildSightTools® courses help parents see through kids eyes. Sign up for my weekly Newsletter!
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